The art of ‘ghosting’: let’s talk about it

Millennials need to get better at communicating. We are living in a generation of avoidant and anxious attachment style adults, and it’s leading to a mass of people being left ‘ghosted’ and confused. Why are millennials so emotionally unavailable? I brought this question to the internet; here is what I found.

(Side note: for the purposes of this article, the millennials I am referring to were born between 1981 and 1996).

The general consensus is that it all stems back to our parents’ generation. Emotional unavailability has bred a society of hook-up culture and fear. A culture where being passionate is overbearing and honest communication is rare. Relationships and dating are full of games and social media appearances and fear of ‘double-texting’. How did we get here and how can we progress? What is happening to Gen-Z and beyond as a result of this? 

For a generation that grew up in the rise and peak of social media, in the eras of the likes of ‘Myspace’, ‘Bebo’ and ‘MSN’ to mention only a few; we seem to have lost touch with the reality of socialising and healthy communication. We have grown accustomed to instant gratification; we want to be ‘picked up’, adored and loved - but we avoid this so as to avoid the consequential being ‘put down’ again. Whether this refers to ‘settling down’ (thus losing the ability to receive exciting instant gratification from a future partner), or being dropped (thus leading to trust issues and the inability to be vulnerable with another - pushing and validating avoidant and anxious attachment styles); the point still stands. 

We are avoiding true connection.

Once something, or someone, is no longer serving us with gratification, we move on - often with no regard for the consequences of this for other people. While it is still true that no one is entitled to your time and energy, do we not still have a moral responsibility to engage in explanation with those we have felt some emotional or physical connection with? Those whose hearts and bodies we have toyed with, regardless of how brief?

I brought this topic to the internet with polls and an opportunity for comments, and I was met with overwhelming agreeance and disdain towards the dating culture of today, and quotes such as:

“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed”

I’ve noticed a recent web surge of posts where people are struggling to understand why ‘situationships’ affect the self so much greater than a long term relationship. The answer is simple: we cannot heal from which we do not understand. 

False intimacy and courting plagues millennials. The lack of ability to be open about the desire to have a one night stand or acquire a mutually beneficial ‘friend with benefits’ is replaced by a continuous culture of being led on. One side of the party typically believes they are experiencing a real connection, perhaps even love, whilst the other is engaging with the intent of nothing more than sex or short term intimacy. Neither of these are wrong, but the lack of honest communication almost always results in someone, or both, getting hurt. Healthy, short term intimacy is absolutely possible without a ‘commitment’. 

Why can’t we differentiate sex and intimacy? Is the inability to discuss sex and intentions rooted in shame? It doesn’t have to be that deep - just communicate. I promise, it’s better for everyone this way round. Hidden porn and ever more extreme viewing habits are leading to deeper shame rather than embracing sexual liberation. We could learn a thing or two from Gen Z’s tendency to overshare.

Perhaps we feel able to ‘ghost’ and let go more easily, because in the age of social media; ‘ghosting’ leaves an open ending. It’s not over if no-one says it’s over, right? This means we are able to pick up and drop others whenever it is convenient, whilst still keeping a privy eye into their daily lives through instagram stories and glorified snapshots on their feed. In days gone by, ending things or whatever the past version of ‘ghosting’ was, was pretty final. It was much more difficult to reconnect or find that person again. Therefore, ending a relationship, or ‘situationship’, was a far bigger deal. It required thought and effort over whether you were ready to lose that person for good. 

The rise of more convenient and faster dating apps available from your pocket at all times have contributed towards this at large. Dating has become something that feels like a mobile game; flicking through and judging others at an instant to decide whether you can sleep with or have a connection with someone upon viewing their instagram-filtered selfie. We are too frequently left with millennials posting vintage-era style videos as a form of escapism to romanticise days gone by where commitment, connection and love felt more rife; though the past, of course, is not without its plethora of problems. Dating apps are designed to be addictive; which circles back to instant gratification and the need to ‘collect’ more people. We are no longer searching for ‘the one’. The concept of marriage and monogamy is becoming increasingly outdated.

As a generation that many older people would label as ‘entitled’, we often do little to fight the stereotypes. The emotional whiplash we gift each other is obscene - everything we do is all or nothing. 

The bottom line is: why does it all have to be so complicated? 

If we want to sit on a beach and drink coffee with someone why can’t we just do it; put all the pressure aside and just see where it goes? If you’re enjoying someone’s company, why not keep being in their company? When you no longer enjoy their company, tell them and move on. As a generation, we are tired of trying to guess what people are feeling and inevitably jumping to conclusions and internalising it, which affects our self esteem.

Because that’s what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Pressure.

Pressure from our parents’ generation, pressure from society and internalised pressure from ourselves. We are a generation that simultaneously worries too much about the future, whilst living purely for the moment - and it’s created this giant mess of commitment and communication issues. Let’s embrace our tendency to live in the moment and claim life. If you want something, pursue it. No one’s going to hand life to you. All we have is the ability to be open, honest and wear our hearts on our sleeves.

Ghosting is really shitty and leaves the person who put their heart out there feeling vulnerable. They tend to feel little control over the situation and therefore little control over the way they feel and react. The best thing we can do is give someone an answer and/or explanation - even if we are unsure of our own feelings. Communicating at least this extends an invite for your partner to consent and decide: how they feel and how they are going to react and behave. We can’t choose what happens to us, but we can control how we react… having a reasonable amount of information allows us to do so. Human connection is so beautiful and important. Allow yourself to love and be loved - platonically or romantically, for a brief moment or forever. 

We need to be better. Open communication sets boundaries in place. Tell people you love them. Be wild and passionate and free. Respect others and respect yourself.